Wildlife of Hell Bent #2

Posted: January 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

The next installment in this series.

Hello, and welcome to the newest installment of “Wildlife of Hell Bent, With Dr. Serena Taylor”. I’m Dr. Serena Taylor, and I’m wondering as to where the hell my opening credits are! I told the graphics department that those had to be ready, but do they listen?! No… Um…anyhow, in today’s episode, we will study the habits of the Pennsylvanian Walking Stick. The Pennsylvanian Walking Twig is, of course, generally seen in the company of our old friend the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey. But what does this species do on its own?

Spencer grumbled at the sound of his mother-in-law. He could have sworn he’d asked her not to get high and stalk him at work. And yet here she was. Perhaps he should have begged harder.

This is, of course, the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig’s natural habitat. He is a tall creature, and rather slim. Hence his designation.

He sighed and turned toward the patient sitting in his office, who stared at Dr. Taylor with sheer bewilderment.

“So, sir…about your cholesterol.”

“Why is this being filmed…?”

“Because my mother-in-law is insane and won’t take a hint… Serena, could you please not film this? Doctor-patient confidentiality is still very much a thing…”

Right, right. We’ll be right back.

Serena stepped out of the office, waiting for the current patient to finish his appointment. Spencer was just trying to find ways to fill that time, now. How to extend this guy’s appointment as long as possible…

But he couldn’t think of anything. He wrote up a prescription to help the patient lower his triglycerides. And as soon as the patient left, Serena returned.

And we are back! Now, as I was saying, this is the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig’s natural habitat, and as we have seen, he can be a rather antisocial creature.

“Hey, now, hold up,” Spencer grumbled. “Who said I was antisocial?”

Your willingness to evict a well-meaning nature documentarian.

He sighed and rubbed his temples. “I wasn’t evicting a nature documentarian. I was preventing my stoned mother-in-law from violating doctor-patient confidentiality…”

Oh, now don’t be so dramatic. As I was saying, the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig’s natural habitat is in the hospital, where he is a healer. A soft, fragile creature, he chooses a lower risk profession than, say, an FBI agent or police officer.

“Must you call me ‘soft’ or ‘fragile’?” he grumbled again, his brown eyes narrowing in annoyance.

Well, you aren’t exactly a linebacker, now are you?

Spencer opened his mouth to retaliate, but seemed to have forgotten what words were. And so, that reply never came. No, all that came in response was a long, drawn out, resigned-to-this-madness sigh.

What the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig lacks in physical prowess, he makes up for in intelligence. After all, it takes a certain level of that to become a medical professional, does it not?

Spencer picked his head up and weighed the possible responses to her statement. He wasn’t about to argue against THAT particular point anytime soon. Hey, if he could get a compliment from his mother-in-law about his intelligence, why would he fight it? Some guys out there would kill for that!

His intelligence has unfortunately led to him becoming a frequent target for those stronger than himself. After all, the laws of nature have always favored the stronger members of the species. Which is what leads us to a special quirk of the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig’s. A quirk that he has taken on for survival.

Well, now, Spencer was really quite curious as to what Serena had in mind, there. As far as he knew, he didn’t have any special “quirks” that set him apart on an evolutionary level. Must have been Serena’s ‘nip-fueled ramblings again.

You see, he has gained the ability to use magic. One might possibly reclassify him as the Pennsylvanian Walking Magic Wand, but that hasn’t got the same ring to it, now does it?


Magic. She’d meant magic. Well, she wasn’t looking for a demonstration, was she? Because he wasn’t sure if doing a live demonstration right there on camera was the best idea.

If the specimen would be so kind as to demonstrate his skills in this field…

Well. It looked like he would, in fact, be doing a demo for her. Alright, then. With a breath, he closed his eyes and held his hands out to his sides, palms facing up. When he opened his eyes again, they glowed a bluish green color, and ice crystals began to form over his hands.

As we see, the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig seems to favor ice spells. Is there a reason you’re not giving a nice fire spell instead?

“Because the last thing we need is for the alarms to start going off, Serena. Now, are we done yet?”

Not at all. The next point about the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig is the company he keeps. His soulmate appears to be our old friend the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey, but his actual mate is the Pacifistic Ginger Yoga Monkey. When one combines a Pennsylvanian Walking Twig with a Pacifistic Ginger Yoga Monkey, it breeds a baby Nearsighted Monkey-Cutie.

“Hey, do we have to drag Daniel’s eyesight into this? And what if he sees this video when he’s older? You’re probably going to embarrass him…”

Oh, right, right. Of course. Wouldn’t want to steal a job from this particular creature.

She patted him gently on the head, and he gave another groan.

“You done yet?”

No, I am not. Next—

That was when the security guards walked in, each grabbing Serena by an arm and hauling her out.

Very well. It appears that I AM done. Join us next time, when we study the habits of a creature that is rather close to my heart: the Pint-Sized Large-Breasted Robo-Kitty.

Spencer heaved a sigh as Serena was escorted from the building. He thought they’d never show. Sure, he loved his mother-in-law and all, but…

But that was exhausting and he had work to do today. He pushed up his glasses and waited for his next appointment to show. His next appointment had been a fan of episode 1 and was looking forward to this next one, much to Spencer’s disappointment.


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