Wildlife of Hell Bent #1

Posted: January 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

Alright, so, I thought of something I could post on Sundays for a while. Until I run out of characters major enough to justify this, anyway. And that is to post these stories. They’re sort of like character profiles…if the one conducting the profiles were high on catnip and decided to do them as nature documentaries.

Good evening, viewers. My name is Dr. Serena Taylor, and welcome to the premiere episode of “Wildlife of Hell Bent, With Dr. Serena Taylor”. In today’s excursion, we will explore the habits of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey.

The creature in question was currently asleep, lounging on the deep dark purple sectional couch. A blanket was pulled over him, but his restless sleep habits had caused it to slip down below his waist. Very long red hair was draped over the side of the couch, and the sound of gentle snoring filled the air.

What we first notice about the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey is his hair. It is currently at about seven feet or so in length and, as befitting his species name, it’s undeniably red.

Take a look at his long, prehensile tail. Nobody knows the purpose of the large ring sticking through the end of it. It is commonly believed to be used to attract mates. A bit later, we shall discuss the mating habits of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey.

Travis groaned and rolled over in his sleep, murmuring something about the Batmobile. He seemed to be drooling a bit, and giving his belly region a little scratch. The blanket hit the floor entirely, and he didn’t appear at all aware of the presence of the catgirl/scientist that was currently filming him.

Upon closer inspection, we find that his tail has a soft, almost silky feel to it. Now, of course, some might argue that there isn’t any possible way that it’s really his tail. But I can assure you that his tail is very much real. Observe.

And with that, Serena gave Travis’ tail a mighty yank. The monkey boy let out a screech, jolting awake at the sudden pull. A string of curses came next, causing Serena to wince. The sound of a baby crying erupted from a nearby room.

…Okay, that can be fixed in editing…

After a few moments, Travis calmed down, his green eyes focused on the son of a bitch that pulled his tail. And when he processed who said son of a bitch was, he cocked a pierced eyebrow.

“…Mom?”

The specimen has identified me as his mother. Perhaps this will allow me to earn his trust.

“Mom, are you hopped up on ‘nip again?”

Very much so. But that is not important right now. Now just act naturally.

“Would someone mind explaining what’s going on here?” another voice asked.

Serena and Travis turned to see what basically appeared to be a sentient stick with messy light brown hair, wielding an aluminum baseball bat. And he did not seem pleased.

And here we have a friend of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey… The Pennsylvanian Walking Twig. He appears to be agitated. The reason for that is unknown.

“It’s because that screech woke my kid up,” Spencer grumbled.

“Sorry about that,” Travis put in. “Mom got high again.”

“I see… could you at least keep the noise level down a bit, please? The wife is already having issues with calming our son down…”

And with that, he left the room, Travis sitting up. He looked at Serena, arms crossed.

“So…”

So?

“What’s up with the camera?”

Nevermind the camera. Just do whatever is natural to you.

“Dude… At this hour, sleeping is natural to me. And, mom… I love you, but you kinda fucked that up for me for now…”

Just pretend I’m not here. And please watch the language. There could be children watching.

“… Hey, I don’t remember signing anything.”

We’ll discuss that aspect later.

Travis stared for a moment, sighed, and stood up, walking to the kitchen. Serena followed close behind, watching as he went for the fridge. He opened the fridge, dug around a bit, and pulled out a few cold slices of mushroom pizza.

And now we get to see the feeding habits of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey. He appears to be a scavenger, rummaging for whatever foodstuffs seem appealing.

Travis paused, one slice of pizza about halfway to his mouth.

“…Do you have to narrate when I eat? It’s kinda creepy.”

Sorry.

Serena took a step back, before beginning to whisper.

It would appear that the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey does not enjoy being disrupted when he feeds. Note that he eats with both his hands and feet, giving table manners a swift slap to the face.

“Hey! You don’t see me commenting on your table manners, do you?” Travis asked around a half-mouthful of pizza.

Oh, dear. He seems to have heard me again.

“Well, YEAH! You’re, like, right there.”

Travis turned away from the camera, holding his late night snack close to him. It looked like he was about two seconds away from calling it “My Precious”.

We shall wait for him to finish feeding, then.

After a few more minutes, Travis finished eating, getting up and walking away. Serena followed him. His tail dragged on the floor, and he wasn’t in the best mood this morning.

The North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey seems testy this morning. Not sure why.

“Could you stop stalking me, please?” Travis groaned, stopping by the bathroom and walking in.

He slammed the door in Serena’s face, and a few clicks could be heard as he locked it.

It would appear that the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey requires privacy when relieving himself.

And thanks to the amazing acoustics typically offered by a bathroom, one could clearly hear Travis shout out:

“YA THINK?!”

…We’ll be right back.

Serena turned the camera off for a moment, stepped away from the door a bit, and waited for a while. Eventually, she heard the toilet flush and the locks being undone. As soon as Travis stepped out, she switched the camera back on.

And we’re back.

“…Dude! Were you there the whole time?!” Travis asked, face almost as red as his hair.

Almost.

Now, we know where the “North American”, “Ginger”, and “Monkey” portions of this fine specimen’s name come from. But what about the “Chatty” aspect? Well, some who have encountered this creature claim that he enjoys talking. Perhaps a bit too much.”

“Hey, now, wait just a damn minute!” Travis exclaimed. “Where in the FUCK does anyone get the idea that I talk too much? I mean, sure, I like pointing stuff out every so often, and I enjoy making conversation. Can I help it if I hate absolute silence? No. No, I can’t. Plus, people telling me to shut up? Just. Plain. RUDE!  Besides… I like to think I have a nice voice, and not some nails-on-chalkboard crap that you’d see in some of the lower budget cartoons from the eighties and stuff like that. So can we please stop talking about me, now?”

And that is why we call him the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey. Anyhow, another aspect of this creature is that he appears to have spent about half of his life in captivity.

Travis blushed again, rocking back and forth on his heels.

“That’s not entirely my fault. I’m not sure why people tend to target me, and I’d really rather not have that get out to everyone out there on the internet…”

It would seem that the best ways to keep him contained are through either supernatural means, or with duct tape.

“Whoa, now, don’t let THAT get out there! Who knows what some people would do with that kind of info?!”

Much of the time, those that restrain him also see fit to muzzle him. Perhaps a byproduct of his inability to shut up.

“Jeez… You sound just like some of those psychos that’ve been out to get me. Y’know that, mom?”

The North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey is characterized, also, by an inability to stay dead. He has been killed many times already, only to come back, ready to face a new day. Each time he does this, he gains four inches to his hair. It has already exceeded the minimum required length for a child to jump rope with it.

Travis began arranging his hair in front of his face, looking to shield himself from the camera. Serena was just barely aware of him muttering: “I have to be having a nightmare… I have to be having a nightmare… I have to be having a fucking nightmare…”

This appears to be a coping mechanism of some sort for the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey. For what, I’m not sure.

“Try ‘EMBARRASSMENT!”

Embarrassment, it seems like. Other interests of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey are comics. He seems especially fond of Batman.

Travis gave a thumbs-up at that.

And from the look of it, he also goes through a lot of shampoo, conditioner, and other hair care products. It allegedly takes him two hours each morning just to brush his hair.

“Three, actually,” Travis admitted, parting the curtain known as his hair to look at Serena.

Three… Wait, three hours? What time do you need to go to work in the morning?

“About ten.”

Ah. Okay, so you shouldn’t have any trouble being ready on time, even with me here right now. Good to hear.

Before Travis could answer, a soft beep came from the door. In walked a slim woman, looking to be in about her late-teens to early-twenties. Her hair was waist-length, wavy, and black-and-brown streaked. A fringe covered her large blue eyes, and she seemed both perplexed and amused at the sight in front of her. She could see Travis poking out from behind his hair, and Serena aiming a video camera at him, looking ready for… Something. She wasn’t sure what. But there was an intensely eager look on the cat-woman’s face.

“Am I missing something, here?” she asked.

And here we have the mate of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey: The Vodka-Soaked Telepathic Assassin. A most dangerous specimen indeed.

“Aw, now don’t tell me she’s doing the nature documentary thing again,” the newcomer sighed.

“Yeah, Ivy, she is,” Travis replied. “…Wait. ‘Again’?”

“She does this every single time she gets high enough. I don’t get why she can’t act more like her sister on too much catnip and just play with a ball of yarn or something.”

Truth be told, that’s what Serena tended to do when sober, bored, and looking for inspiration.

Perhaps now we may see the mating rituals of the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey and the Vodka-Soaked Telepathic Assassin…

“No!” Ivy scoffed.

“Not on your life!” Travis put in.

“Could you please all keep it down out there?!” Spencer’s wife called from their room. “I just got Daniel back to sleep!”

And then came the baby’s crying again, followed by what sounded like an adult woman joining in. .

“…Great, now look what you made her do!” Spencer yelled.

…And I do believe that concludes today’s episode of “Wildlife of Hell Bent, With Dr. Serena Taylor”. Join us next time, when we study the habits of the Pennsylvanian Walking Twig. What makes him such a grouch in the morning? We will find out.

About a day or two after that video was made, Serena uploaded it to YouTube. It gained minor fame on the web, and for about three months, the North American Ginger Chatty-Monkey was stalked by fans of the video. Right up until the internet found a new meme to cling to. On the one hand, Trav was glad that the stalking had ceased. But on the other hand, he sort of missed the attention brought on by it all.

confusedtrav

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